October 29th is now a day that I feel coming before it turns the date on the calendar. My anxiety, my neck, my shoulder- they all flare up leading up to Oct. 29th. Muscle memory at its finest. It used to be a happy date. My late grandmother's birthday is Oct. 29th. So is my college roommate's. And while I know it'll be that way again (it being a happy date, that is), I also know that it won't be this year...
So much has changed in two years. I went from thinking that I survived that accident with minor cuts and scrapes to learning that if my seatbelt had hit me two vertebrae higher, then I possibly could have had a stroke and died. That random muscle pain I felt off and on in my left shoulder? That was a torn labrum. The reason I still get dizzy and nauseous pretty consistently? My vestibular system pretty much needs to be reset. Oh, and you can get a cataract in your eye from blunt force trauma because I now have one. Not to mention my crossing eyes and speech that can still be impaired. And that's just the physical part of it. Add in some anxiety, depression, PTSD, more flashbacks than I can count, and countless tears and you have one f*$!ed up individual for the past two years. And I obviously had every reason to be that way.
But for the first time in two years, I feel like the tide is about to turn. I feel like I am moving forward with my recovery instead of moving forward, stopping, moving back, and then moving forward again. I feel like I am in the therapies I need to be in. I feel like maybe the fog is starting to lift. And maybe I can celebrate my guardian-angel-of-a-grandmother's birthday again, who saved her granddaughter not once, but twice (second one being 20 years ago) on or a day before her own damn birthday. I will definitely hear about this in the afterlife...
Thank you for letting me vent and write. The journalism major in me must still be there a bit. :) I wrote this to help with the healing. And honestly, I wrote it so that everyone else will know what a big deal something like a car accident can be. Get everything checked out. Don't be afraid to fight for those tests and ask all the questions you can. Take all the time in the world to heal. We live in such a "go,go,go" society that we think that getting back to our lives sooner will help us after something like this. But sometimes it's to your detriment. Listen to your body, mind and spirit, and all three will let you know when it's time to return to reality. But if you don't heal first, then you can't heal anyone else. Take it from the healer herself. :) And regarding that turning tide? Stay tuned...
